Death to all Stink Bugs!

Stink bugs are arguably the most annoying creature on planet Earth behind Justin Bieber and the cast from The Jersey Shore, especially if you are living in Western Pennsylvania, which has been infested with these little armored terrorists for several years. Trying to keep them out of your home can be a daunting and frustrating task that may eventually lead to a nervous breakdown or worse if not properly addressed.

There is nothing worse than being dive-bombed in your inner eardrum by a stink bug while lying half-asleep in bed. What usually follows is an epic four-hour battle between good and evil as you scour the perimeter, hunting down stink bugs like John Rambo looking for more of his buddies to slaughter as you scream obscenities in your underwear with a wad of tissue paper white-knuckled in your grasp.

Stink bugs are not indigenous to the United States and immigrated here illegally from in Asia (although we contest that Obama is to blame). First seen in Allentown, PA, the stink bug breeds like their last name is Duggar to the point of taking over Western Pennsylvania like a scene straight out of the Old Testament. There is no sign of this invasion ending soon, so the only thing we can do is take a few precautionary steps to ensure our homes are not stink bug friendly.

Keeping Stink Bugs out of your Home

The first thing you can do is seal up any cracks in your windows, screens, door jams, walls, chimneys, etc., which stink bugs can crawl through from the outside. Once that is done, cover all air vents with some sort of screen device (a pair of pantyhose works well). If your house is older, you may have to put up weather stripping on the windows to cover all cracks.

Like most insects, stink bugs are attracted to light. For this reason, it’s best to keep as many lights off during the night as possible and pull down the blinds. Additionally doing jumping jacks on the hour outside your neighbor’s motion detector garage light will invite the stink bugs to infest his house instead.

Killing Stink Bugs

“I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang…I think.” – Carl Spackler (Caddyshack)

That quote is for all the animal rights activists out there who suggest “humane methods” of stink bug removal, including their capture and release back into the wild, so they can repopulate and infest our homes again. Carl’s obsession with killing gophers could easily relate to our obsession with killing stink bugs as we have caught ourselves talking shit to our enemy as we casually sing, “Great big gobs of greasy grimy [stink bug] guts…”

Killing a stink bug is like killing a terrorist; kill one and ten more pop up in their place. The reason for this is because stink bugs secrete a chemical when attacked or killed, which in turn attracts more of their buddies, hence the stench. Some people say vacuuming stink bugs is the best way to get rid of them, but the smell will eventually take over your vacuum and stink up the rest of your house every time you use it, thus preventing you from ever getting laid again.

The best way to kill stink bugs is to waterboard the little bastards. Flushing them is fine if you don’t mind running up your water bill every time you find a stink bug breaking and entering, which for some of us is far too often. Seasoned stink bug killing veterans will suggest having a special stink bug execution jar around the house with a lid. Fill the jar halfway with soapy water. The dish soap seeps into the body of the stink bug, killing it within minutes and neutralizing the smell. Flick a few of the smelly buggers into the jar, then dispose of them outside. Feel free to do a victory dance.

Stink Bug Extermination

There are some insecticides out there meant to kill stink bugs, but remember that insecticides are poison and if you have small children or pets, it’s best to handle your stink bug infestation with the method suggested above. Calling the exterminator should only be used as a last resort and does not guarantee that you will never see another stink bug creepily crawling across your ceiling like the nightmare baby in Trainspotting.