It’s true. Men are simple creatures. It doesn’t take much to make us happy. We enjoy the little things in life. It’s those things that make our lives easier and more enjoyable. While women worry about the brand name or stigma associated with a product or item, we are more concerned with the functionality and practicality of the things we own. Here is a list (in no particular order) of 33 things every man should have.
1. Sharp Pocket Knife
Every man should carry a razor sharp pocket knife with him at all times (except through airport security). You never know when you will need to cut something and it’s always good as a “weapon of opportunity.”
2. Headlamp Light
Whether you’re fishing, hunting, working under a car or just plain dicking around in the dark, a headlamp is a life-saver. Many of stubbed toe and fish-hooked finger could have been prevented with the simple purchase of this nifty little bugger.
Fact is, we never know if or when we will ever have to protect ourselves, or more importantly, our family. It’s good to be prepared. Any attacker will crap themselves if you pull a gun (even a wimpy .22) out on them in self-defense.
4. Jumper Cables
If you’ve driven longer than a year, you know cars are pretty unpredictable. It’s always a good idea to have a set in your trunk. Who knows… the next time you see a hot chick broke down on the side of the road, you could actually help her out instead of just driving by slowly thinking of a clever pick-up line.
We all know how unreliable technology can be. In the event your GPS craps the bed on you, a compass is a great fail safe.
6. Work Boots
Nothing screams rookie carpenter more than wearing busted-ass gym shoes on the construction site. Do your toes (and ego) a favor and get yourself a good pair of work boots.
7. Tool Set
A good set of tools is a must for any man. Knowing how to use them is another thing. If Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor taught us anything, it’s, “The instructions are just the manufacturer’s opinion of how it should be put together.”
8. Man Cave
Perhaps the most important room in your castle is the man cave. It’s the place you and your buddies disappear to when the game comes on so as to not be bothered by the squawking chickens. Get as rowdy as you want and she can’t say peep. You won’t find any womanly decorations, doilies or flowers here. It smells like stale beer, leather and popcorn farts and that’s the way God meant it to be.
9. Fishing Rod
Even if you’re not an avid fisherman, it’s a good idea to have a fishing rod and some fishing gear. Any married man will tell you, sometimes it’s good to just get away and fishing is an excellent excuse. Whether you actually fish or not is entirely up to you.
10. Outdoor Grill
Both propane and charcoal have their advantages. Propane is easier and thus has the edge in my opinion. Nothing beats grilling out, no matter what the time of year. Make sure you invite Guy Manningham over to your next barbecue. He likes his steak Pittsburgh rare.
11. Fully Stocked Bar
Save money. Drink at home. It’s always nice to have a drink after work and nightcaps are a no-brainer if you have a good booze selection waiting for you at house. Double Jim Beam on the rocks…don’t mind if I do.
12. Dependable Watch
Although smart phones have virtually replaced every product in our lives, it’s good to have a reliable watch for a few reasons. A. Cell phone batteries die. B: You may not always have cell phone reception. C. Checking your cell phone at a business meeting or date may be considered rude. D. Watches are a good fashion accessory and women notice them.
13. Comfortable Chair
Your dad understood it. Archie Bunker did too. Nothing says “king of the castle” like having your very own designated comfy chair. Hell hath no fury like a dad who catches his snotty-nosed punk kid sitting in his throne.
14. Cigar Humidor
Nothing screams victory like smoking a big honking cigar. On the golf course, at the bar (that still allows you to smoke), in your man cave or just chilling on your porch, a cigar is a great way to relax and enjoy the simple things in life. A humidor will keep your cigar stash from looking like Magda’s skin on “There’s Something About Mary.”
15. Golf Clubs
Golf is not only a great outdoor activity for exercise and comradery. It is also used to network and establish business relationships. Not to mention, it’s a legitimate excuse to get away from the missus and drink beer all day.
16. Poker Table w/ Poker Set
Poker nights are a must. When it’s your turn to host, you don’t want to be playing on the kitchen table with your daughter’s Go Fish cards, using peanut M&Ms as ante.
17. Dart Board
Make sure you have a REAL dart board (none of that pansy-ass plastic crap). Besides, keeping score manually will help retain some of that 3rd grade arithmetic.
18. Pool Table
Keep your stick chalked. Having some pool skills will make you one step closer to becoming a barroom hero. You may need to practice at home so as to not embarrass yourself.
They don’t call dogs “man’s best friend” for nothing. A dog is loyal to the end (not like those cheating cats). Also, dogs attract girls like crazy as it shows you can take care of a living, breathing organism without killing it.
20. Pair of Comfortable Jeans
Enough with the skinny jeans already! If you can’t bend over without castrating yourself, your pants are too tight. Comfort is where it’s at. Besides, no one wants to see your ca-male toe. That being said, finding a pair of jeans that fit just right is where it’s at.
21. Mountain Bike
Mountain biking is an excellent way to get your lazy butt off the couch and exercise. Also, with uncertain gas prices, it might be your best alternative for transportation.
22. Vegetable Garden
Save money at the store and eat healthier with a home garden. It’s a good hobby to get into and teaches you the importance of self-sufficiency. Also, as gas prices rise, the price of produce will skyrocket. Your loser friends might make fun of you until you share gardening secrets with the hot blond from Starbucks, to which you can tell them to suck it.
23. Hammock / Porch Swing
Few things in this world are better than lounging in a hammock on a hot summer day with a tall glass of spiked iced tea. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, run (don’t walk) to your nearest store and get yourself a hammock. Getting in and out are the hard parts.
24. Heavy Bag w/ Free Weights
In order for you to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, you gotta be in shape. Nothing gets you in ass-kicking condition like beating the tar out of an inanimate heavy bag and lifting free weights prison-style.
25. Bottle Opener Keychain
Probably the most handy tool ever invented, the bottle opener keychain is a hallmark in American ingenuity. Guy Manningham bottle opener keychains coming soon!
26. Hair Clippers
One way to save money in the recession is to cut your own hair. If you don’t trust your palsy, have a reliable friend help you out or else you might end up looking like the lost member of the Legion of Doom. Although nothing quite beats a straight-razor shave from a professional barber, I can’t see spending $10-40 a pop on a haircut.
27. 4×4 Vehicle
Your 4-banger hatchback might save you tons of cashola at the pump, but nothing is more American or manly than a big ass 4×4. Snow…no problem. Mud…no problem. Giant effing rocks…no problem.
28. Tailored Suit
It’s always a good idea to have at least one (or more) tailored suits around. You never know when your next interview, swanky dinner date, wedding or funeral will be. It’s good to be prepared. 7 out of 8 James Bond’s agree. Pierce Brosnan just had to mess up our poll.
29. Outdoor Fire Pit
Chilling next to the fire pit is one of the best things life has to offer. You don’t have to wait till the next time you go camping to smell like a campfire. Hopefully your town allows open pit fires. If not, petition those commi bastards.
30. House Slippers
Comfort is king in this castle. Get yourself some heavy duty wool-lined moccasin house slippers and quit your bitchin’ about cold feet.
31. Good Water Pressure
Nothing ruins my day more than low water pressure in the shower. A good shower should almost hurt. It’s like the back massage your selfish ex girlfriend always promised you, but failed to deliver.
32. Work Bench
Don’t ruin your coffee table fixing your end table. Get yourself a sturdy work bench that will act as ground zero on your home renovation to-do list. Work benches help you organize that mess of a tool collection you have been accumulating since the 80’s into a neat work area Bob Villa would be proud of.
33. Old Leather Sofa
Perhaps the most comfortable thing on planet Earth is a beat-to-shit old leather sofa. Give me my leather sofa, a fat cigar and a glass of scotch on the rocks and whatever troubles I had before quickly evaporate into nothing. Megan Fox not included.